Why heaven is FAST running out of VIRGINS

According to the Koran, every Jihadist who dies is promised 72 virgins, but ever since the Syrian war started, the number of jihadists dying has increased into tens of thousands add to the strife in Somalia and the Boko Haram insurgency, yet the number of virgins dying has actually decreased over the same period of time.

According to a religious expert contacted by the spectator, “When we made this rule we never thought jihadists would be dying with such frequency. We assumed most would be too afraid to go through with a suicide bombing.” He adds, “I guess we underestimated what lengths guys will go to get laid.”

Heaven is now overwhelmed with jihadists expecting to be met with virgins, though these expectations can’t be met in reality due to very few virgins dying versus the number of jihadists dying.

“The problem is that each time a virgin is slept with, they’re no longer a virgin. So we can only use them each once. We actually have plenty of virgins. The problem is, they’re either children or babies. And that’s obviously forbidden in heaven” concludes another religious scholar Prof. Idriss

According to our resident political analysts Dr. Rashid Abdirhaman, “they should introduce a plan that would change the wording to say 72 women, instead of 72 virgins”.