US Rapper Kanye West,One of the most egocentric and photographed global celebrities,with 21 Grammy wins and a marriage to the Queen Of Sleaze,Kim Kardashian,just made an announcement that no one saw coming... At least this soon; that he's gonna vie for US President come 2020.
On a legendary,rumbling 12-minute speech that he slurred through the VMA Awards,celebrating his Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award,presented to him by a very interesting choice,Taylor Swift,Kanye,elated and boisterous took to the stage to thank the fans. And,as usual,launch into his usual controversial monologues,setting the stage ablaze and confusing the World at large. Ok,Jaden Smith,the eccentric Hollywood scion,wasn't as confused.
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After the epic speech,that saw the hall cheer him on,give him a standing ovation and still look dazed and lost,Kanye,who also admitted to have smoked Marijuana before hitting the stage,declared that,Yes,He has decided to VIE FOR PRESIDENT come 2022.
And then everything came to a standstill. Even on Twitter.
But we all know Kanye's wacko. And that he didn't really mean his words and if he did,he's 100% unelectable.
Well... His fans are already rooting for him. The thought of using the title FLOTUS in reference to Kim Kardashian has never been so real. And scary.
OK OK! After that announcement,we decided to see which Kenyan artists can pull off a similar stunt. Either because they can ACTUALLY be elected President,Or because they're just as crazy as Kanye or simply because they're usually too caught up in their Marijuana reveries to think straight.
Here's the TOP TEN CELEBRITY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES!
1. Akothee
She's the self-proclaimed 'richest musician in Kenya'. Akothee would be the perfect pick. She'd run an effective campaign since she already has 15 cars to begin with. So,she'd have no problem criss-crossing the Country. And selling her manifesto which I think,would be drafted in Dholuo. Akothee would vie on the CCPM party. Which means Chama Cha Pesa Na Maringo. She'd pick a woman as her running mate. And then fire her soon as she's elected. Akothee's Cabinet would have no single man. Just women. Most of whom would be her daughters. She'd campaign on a platform of improving marital relationships,educating girls and appreciating white men more. She wouldn't even worry about the State House. She already has 3 houses to live in. She'd sure make an impact. Sure.
2. Willy Paul
He's as crazy as they come. Kanye West crazy. But without the legitimacy. And the money. And the million-dollar wife. Willy would campaign on a platform of Swag and Leather pants. He'd visit all slums disturbing his music CDs. And he'd have akina DJ Mo as his Campaign financiers. He'd call his opponents 'Mahaters' and take selfies with all the women in Mathare. But just like his sponsors,all his supporters would ditch him the last minute. And then he'd have to take to Facebook to lament. And ask God for direction. Honorable style.
3. Bien Aime
He's the Face Of Sauti Sol. And that taaallll jamaa who had the audacity to casually hang onto Uhuru Kenyatta and POTUS after performing for them at State House. Bien Aime,who is also said to be a ladies favorite,would bank on the many female voters in Kenya. In a party known as CCBM which would mean Chama Cha Bien Na Madame.Bien's slogan would be 'Bien Na Warembo' and he'd visit all women-related events to sell his vision... That is,stripper clubs,ladies night events,vikundi vya wamama,KWFT, FIDA and pretty much any other women only organization or meeting.
4. Ringtone
Ringtone has already vied for a political seat before. And lost terribly. Just like he lost his mojo. And everything else in between. Ringtone,undeterred,would still be interested in pursuing the highest political office. Not because he can lead. But because he has more money than he knows what to do with it. Needless to say,Ringtone's candidacy would flop so badly he would end up with 13 shillings in his bank account. And 75 campaign staff waiting to be paid. And then he'd go back to torturing us with music. Poor chap.
5. Jaguar
Isn't he already President!?
6. Noti Flow
This is the Instagram bombshell who splits her time between posing naked and rapping. And after Kanye West admitted to have been stoned just before hitting the stage,Noti Flow would not be soooo outrageous were she to announce that she wanted to vie for President. Noti Flow smokes more Marijuana than the while Bob Marley clan combined. She pretty much lives in a weed farm. And just like Kanye,she's never afraid to catch flak. Or be on the news... However negatively. Her bid for Presidency,just like most of what she does,would go nowhere anyway. And then she'd go back to posing naked on Instagram. And reminding us to mind our business. OK.
7. Prezzo
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Even before Kanye West,and I seriously mean BEFORE Kanye West,Jackson Makini had already seen himself as a President hence the name Prezzo. Prezzo,who is said to be filthy rich-and generally filthy too-would be an awesome choice. He's already represented the Country on a Pan-African level (BBA) and already thinks he's a President of his own little World. Prezzo,who also is said to be an avid lover of the herb,would name his party WKNW which would be short form for 'Wapigaji Kura Nawapenda Wo'. Prezzo would use this ticket to tour the Country and sell his-mostly blurred-vision. His party symbol would be a gold chain. And party slogan,Naleta Action.
8. Nyota Ndogo
She's always in the news. Fighting with Colonel Moustafa. And defending his 52 ex-girlfriends. Sure,she'd want to use that energy on a more national level. To fight people who actually matter. On issues which actually make sense. Why not Presidency!!? If Mudavadi stuck through to the end,and garnered only 71 votes,70 of which were spoilt,sure,why not her!? Ni wakati wa Wamama!
9. Shaniqwa
Now that corruption has failed... How about fighting it with a slogan,'Nitawamoooda!??' Shaniqwa would vie on a platform of change (Yaawwwn) and basically harassing all political opponents. Using her weave,horrendous makeup,rough edges and invincible spirit,Shaniqwa would surely streamline this country so much we'd never want her to leave power. Trouble is,she'd change the Constitution so many times she'd finally have to rewrite it alone. In her bedroom. And then be president for life. And then start a war with Uganda. And Tanzania. And Ethiopia. And then we're all screwed. And expelled from the U.N.
10. Eric Wainaina
He can soooo be President. But do we want another Kikuyu in State House? But still,Eric wouldn't really vie. No,He's too sweet for politics. And wayyy too soft for the mud-slinging. And all the craze. Plus hapendi corruption. And we all you have to be corrupt to serve wananchi. Anyway,Eric was made for Alliance Francaise. Not State House. Poor voters...He'll never vie for the seat. No matter how much his music convinces you he would. Still,he can pull it off. Better than Kanye.
Is there a candidate I left out? Upgrade me.